If there was an award...

I certainly would've won it! Oh, the guilt...... I can't even believe I'm admitting to it here, but I think I feel like I have to get it off my chest so I can begin the healing process. Okay, so I'm being slightly dramatic but I truly am feeling like a lousy mom at the moment. I think this ranks at the top of my mistakes thus far...well, right up there with accidentally yanking my son's feeding tube out while he was in the NICU. Sigh.

Getting MJ to transition to his crib has been my goal for the week. I just wanted to start of gradual. I waited until we were done with company for a bit and figured if I can at least get him used to falling asleep in his crib, rather than being rocked to sleep by the swing, then that would be a big step in the right direction. I didn't mind if I had to move him to the swing after awhile, but figured if he could just learn to fall asleep in the crib, then it would progress from there and he'd eventually sleep longer and longer in it. Monday night was attempt number one. It went pretty well. He cried a couple times and I would go in and just soothe him for a few minutes, never picking him up, but just assuring him he was okay and then slip out of the room once again. He eventually fell asleep and it lasted for about 30 minutes before we woke up crying. After that I went ahead and moved him to the swing. Not too bad for night one I figured. So last night was round two. I was feeling confident. Ding! Ding! Game on. He was freshly bathed, swaddled up with a fully tummy lying in his crib. Daddy read him his nightly story and MJ gave us huge smiles. A couple kisses, a little prayer, and off to dream land hopefully. He began crying after we left, so I let him cry for 10 minutes, and then went in to soothe him and offer him the pacifier. Right off to sleep he went. Success! An hour later I went to bed and he was still soundly sleeping. I checked the baby monitor in our room as I always do and it seemed a little loud, so I turned it down one notch.....yes, JUST ONE NOTCH. A couple hours later Mat came to bed and Mathew was still sleeping soundly. Wow, this is working wonderfully. Maybe he's actually going to stay sleeping in his crib until he wakes up hungry. So, by this time it's midnight. Now, let's fast forward.....

At 5:30 AM I woke up and sat straight up. Something wasn't right. He usually wakes me up between 3:30-4:30 AM and I usually wake up on my own a couple times before then and check the clock or listen to the monitor to make sure all is well. When I realized what time it was I put my ear right up next to the monitor to make sure I could hear him breathing. Of course SIDS is my first fear. After all, it was his first night in his crib. Did he overheat? Did he roll over? My, my. I could hear a tiny, soft whimper so I turned it up ONE NOTCH and it was full fledged crying. I ran in and scooped up my little angel and began begging for his forgiveness with words like, "Mommy is sooo sorry." "Do you still love me?" Yes, pathetic I know. He had kicked his legs out of his blanket and managed to wiggle his way a good six inches down the crib. I don't know if I felt more guilty that he very well could've been crying for several hours or the fact that he was starving and I didn't meet his needs. O goodness. Of course I shed some tears as well. Luckily, he didn't seem too traumatized. He wolfed down some milk and went right off to sleep....in his swing of course. He's probably thinking he's never sleeping in that crib again!

I went back to bed and woke up Mat to tell him what had happened. He assured me that our son would still love me. I don't think either of us really fell back asleep though. Lesson learned-don't mess with the ever so sensitive baby monitor. I think it will be on it's loudest setting from hear on out. Better yet, maybe we'll hook it up to surround sound.

I would like to think that Mathew slept like a little angel in his crib and had only been crying for a short time before I woke up. But given the fact that he's been napping now for 3 hours after his 8:30 AM feeding, I have a bad feeling that he must have been up crying a lot last night. My poor guy.

I know it won't be the last mistake I make, but it sure felt like a big one. My little chunk-of-love gets anything he wants today...well, when he wakes up that is! Mommy will be groveling for awhile over this one.