39 Weeks

Today, our sweet girl is now 39 weeks along.  Statistics say she is 7 or more pounds by now and 20 or more inches long.  Very soon, we'll find out how accurate that is.  In five hours from now my alarm clock will sound, and I'll get up and dressed and head to the hospital to have her.  Yes, I should be sleeping right now, but I am full of excitement and nervous energy.  It feels quite different to have a "planned c-section"....to know that right now she is hiccuping in my belly and in 9 hours she should be in my arms.  It's strange, surreal, and exciting to experience it in this way. 

I find myself stumbling for the words to express my emotions accurately.  I want her to read this one day and know how much she was wished for, how awaiting her arrival was so incredibly exciting, but yet I still feel too scared to fully embrace it at times.  I'm sad to admit, but when I first learned of this pregnancy and when the due date would be, my heart almost sank.  Not because I didn't want her, not because I didn't think it was such an amazing miracle, but because the doubt and fear quickly overtook my joy and I just assumed that it was very likely that this pregnancy would end in miscarriage too, and rather than celebrating the birth of a baby, I would be mourning what would have been at what's normally such a joyous time of year.  It's no secret that many a Christmas' I longed for a baby, longed to be pregnant, and would always visualize myself having a baby by the next Christmas.  Something about the spectacular wonder of Jesus' birth certainly leaves an infertile hoping for a little miracle of her own.  ;)  Of course, after several years we were blessed with MJ, and I felt that prayer had been answered, but then after two back to back miscarriages, expecting again, and right at Christmas time almost felt like a cruel joke.  Surely God knew my heart couldn't take that ache again, and at Christmas time above all else.  Well, apparently He did know and His plan was just right because tomorrow, on December 23rd, I welcome our daughter into the world, and as fearful as I am for everything to go smooth and uncomplicated, I am trusting in His plan to continue to see me through it.  It almost seems picture perfect.  Never in a million years on all those Christmas' that I spent wishing, did I imagine I'd one day be spending Christmas Day in the hospital cuddling my new baby. 

My brother and parents arrived this week, and it feels complete to have them here.  I am so thankful for their love and support.  We celebrated Christmas today with MJ (pics to come later on one day when I am able to catch up), and it was great to be able to shower MJ with that love and attention.  I know he'll be very well taken care of, and even spoiled I'm sure, over the next few days, but it's certainly feeling sad to know I'll be spending quite a bit of time away from him the next few days. 

There's no doubt that my last birth experience has left me rather fearful.  I expected all to go well with that one and was in for quite a shock, so it's hard to not let all of those emotions and anxiety overtake me.  I am just hopeful and in prayer that this will be a much better experience and might help heal the hurt from the last time.  Everyone knows that classic picture after a c-section birth....the dad holding the baby by the mom's head.  Even though she's unable to hold the baby yet, she's smiling a big smile!  We never got that picture last time.  Our picture was Mat and I....no new baby.  That picture is a painful reminder of what was missing.  So my prayer is this:  my next post will be that "classic shot".  Our baby girl will arrive safely in the world and meet her mommy and daddy who love her so much.  That picture will be taken to capture that moment. She'll then spend her first day being cuddled close to my skin and being welcomed by her big brother, uncle, and grandparents.  There will be no NICU, no helicopters, no suspense.  Our family will be blessed as we welcome the most amazing gift there is-new life. 

Goodnight, and prayers for our baby girl, please.